Why does everyone think they need a smoking gun to leave a marriage that just isn’t working anymore?
A total myth. You don’t actually need to prove someone cheated to get out. Most states now operate under a “no-fault” system where you just say things are broken. It’s easier. Oh, the drama! Every of the clients I’ve sat across from in my thirty years of practice starts by asking if their spouse’s “past history” of being a jerk counts. It usually doesn’t. You don’t have to air your dirty laundry to a judge just to get your freedom back.
When “no-fault” is enough…
No dirty laundry. You can file for divorce simply by stating the marriage is irretrievably broken. This “no-fault” option prevents a lot of the mud-slinging that used to dominate the courtroom years ago. Truly liberating. In these cases, the law doesn’t care who started the fight or who forgot the anniversary. It’s administrative. You file the petition, wait the required time, and sign the papers. The state isn’t in the business of forcing unhappy people to stay together anymore. That’s good.
If you want to point fingers…
The messy details. Some states still allow you to file based on specific wrongdoings like adultery or desertion. People often choose this path thinking it will give them a leg up on the financial settlement. Usually not. Good grief! I once saw a guy try to cite his wife’s obsession with competitive dog grooming as mental cruelty, but that’s a story for another day. It was wild. Most judges find fault-based grounds to be a massive waste of the court’s time unless it involves “future plans for the future” regarding the kids’ safety. Stop venting.
The cruelty and abandonment angle…
Extreme cases only. Legal “cruelty” usually means more than just a few mean words over breakfast. It requires a pattern of behavior that makes living together physically or mentally dangerous for the other person. Be careful. If you go this route, the burden of proof—wait, did I leave the oven on?—anyway, the burden of proof is entirely on the person making the claim. You’ll need evidence. This means police reports, medical records, or witnesses who are willing to testify in open court. It’s heavy.
Living separate and apart…
The waiting game. Certain jurisdictions require you to live in separate residences for a specific amount of time before you can even file. This is meant to ensure that you aren’t making a rash decision in the heat of the moment. Stay patient. You might have to divide your assets, debts and property during this “limbo” period. It’s hard. Some people try to live in the same house but stay in separate bedrooms to save money. This can get tricky. (Actually, the coffee in this office is getting worse every year). Judges often look for a “physical” separation to count the days. Keep track.
Why the state matters…
Location, location, location. Every state has its own specific set of rules when it comes to what they consider valid grounds. You need to make sure you actually live in the state where you are filing. Check residency. Some places require six months of residency, others need a full year, and some just a few weeks. Don’t slip. If you file in the wrong county or state, the whole case could be dismissed. That’s expensive.
Dividing the whole kit and caboodle…
Finalizing the split. Once the grounds are established, you still have to deal with the money and the children. Grounding your divorce in “fault” might occasionally affect alimony in a few specific states. Rarely happens. The court mostly focuses on a fair distribution of what you built together. Be realistic. You’ll need to list your cars, houses, and bank accounts. Focus forward.
The legalities is complicated when emotions are running high. ~~The judge will hate you if you lie.~~ Note: Check your local statutes before filing. You don’t have to do this alone. It’s a lot. Just take it one step at a time and focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.